Former Blogs Archive 2005

6/7/12 – The 2005 archives are now available. Some of the 2005 archives either could not be recovered from a damaged drive or have yet to be located.  These archives are complete in the best sense they can be for now. Should more be found, an update will be made.
(All posts on this page were originally from allaboutmusic.blog-city.com which is no longer a valid site)

January 2005

2005-01-21

…so much to tell; subjects deep, as if in a well; many trees did Mother Nature fell; my soul too troubled – it will not sell…

I’ve been away too long – I know. Sometimes change comes too fast – but in my world, quick assimilation is the key to survival, so I have become what I needed to become. There have always been times in life when one must decide to do something. I am one who makes decisions easily (on some kind of psychological scale used in popular psychology, I’m what is know as a Type J – one who comes to decisions easily. In the military, they call them “command decisions.”) I’m also one of those goal oriented people, who others tend to dislike, because I don’t really have an “off” button, per se, so I go, battered, beaten and bruised (sometimes physically, sometimes metaphorically) until the goal is accomplished, or until a reasonable facsimile of the original goal is complete. Some have called me an “over-achiever,” yet some have told me I should “live up to my potential.” All I really know is – I now work downtown in an office building where I’m relied upon by everyone. It always seems to turn out that I’m the “go to” guy (well, I’ma gal- but if you watch hockey, you’ll be more familiar with “guy” – of course you’re not watching NHL hockey are you! stupid lockout) Anyway, I needed to take the time to reassess, reflect, project forward from a new standpoint and then prioritize accordingly. Easier than it sounds I’m afraid.

I’m typing as if anyone who may read this actually cares. This could be a huge waste of my time and energy, yet, I still do it and I have been for several years now. Someone once told me that my blog was like “an e-mail to the world.” This blog actually is version number three for me. I started doing “online journaling” on a website I ran for a goal I have yet to accomplish probably won’t, but it had it’s purpose because I LEARNED A LOT and met a hockey fan here and there along the way).Yet, a reasonable facsimile is in the works mostly through another’s efforts, so we’ll see if the “Open The Box” goal doesn’t yet see the light of day (thanks to some unseen helpers, umm hint, hint). I then moved to a blogger site based in the U.S., but had some difficulty with technical aspects. After that, I made a conscious decision to find a blogger based in another country, for reasons I won’t bore you any further with here, and now here I am.

I have started my new job. I left my old job with a sense of multiple things, including glee, sadness, frustration, and so on. The biggest problem with some women who get positions of power, is that they are much more likely to fear competition and sabotage other females, because that’s the most effective weapon women have been taught to use. I suppose men do the same thing, but it is more prevalent in women, because of societal reasons and a host of other minute factors, too complex to type out in the blog fashion. Basically, the gist of what I’m rambling about is the fact that my former Executive Director shot herself in the foot, so to speak, when she chose (and I’m using the word “chose” to indicate that she actively made a decision) to either underestimate my abilities and treat me with little respect, overestimate her abilities and treat me with little respect, or perhaps, both. To be perfectly blunt – I don’t take that shit and yes, I will challenge the established system if my logical, organized, decent and intricate mind thinks it’s complete and total bullshit. Too bad MARAMA – secretly I’m sad for your loss. Adios “Wierwolf” – you made the bed, now go lie in it. I’m not a superstar or anything – but it’s a pattern that people from my personal life or work life spend time away and then come back to me seeking what they miss about who I am. Often times, those people come at me in a state of panic and desperation. I have grown very tired of this pattern, so I typically prefer that people I meet or with whom I work have enough patience and at least a little understanding that I might be worth their time.

The last thing I will type today is simply – If you don’t believe in signs, you aren’t paying enough attention. Even those considered “dim” can “see” them – it is merely a question of patience and association. (I know – I fit the “goalie” category and I’m a little odd – but sometimes, odd is better haheheahehahe)

Happy musical day to you all and sing all you want, eventually, you might even get better (or it’s a sign that you should play guitar) ;-0 (stupid lockout) – peace – mia

2005-01-27

Well, I just started my new job and already, I’ve had to take the week off! Yes, to add to loveliness that are my parents, it has come to pass that I had to pull the pain in the ass “drill sergeant” maneuver and force them both to go to the emergency room on Monday. They are both in the hospital even as I type this. I always make jokes that my brothers got off easy by dying young. Some people find that joke in bad taste, but truthfully, they really did. I strongly suspect that they aren’t worrying about debt, relationships, life in general and most importantly to my point, my parents.

I have seen this coming for years and years, so at least the blow was not unexpected. I have had time to brace myself for the oncoming pile of legal papers and so forth. Yet, I still wake up everyday, like most people, and wonder what’s next and how does one prepare for both parents to hit the skids at the same time! Nothing can really prepare any one for this. There are people out there who cannot relate to my situation for one reason or another, but there is a bit of comfort for me, knowing that no matter how much is left piled on my shoulders, and mine alone, I’m sure they are other people out there who can relate to my situation in terms of the truth of life’s cold hardness is concerned. I’ve heard from many that “things like this are character building.” My real question is – exactly how much character am I supposed to have? My cup runneth over with it – sheesh! I MISS HOCKEY AND I’M GONNA HAVE A MELTDOWN. Stupid lockout.

I don’t feel sorry for myself, but I do feel hugely overwhelmed, stuck and lost. Sad to say, I’m getting used to those feelings. I’m hoping that one day, all of this character will prove useful. Perhaps it has already and I just haven’t grasped the proof. That happens too!

Music is there for me, and so are a very few select people, so I understand that these are the times in life (and I’ve had plenty of them to recognize them with little to no hesitation) to just put one foot in front of the other and do what needs to be done. I do better when there’s an NHL season. I can assure any one who may read this that I don’t want to be as aloof and independent. Life hasn’t given me much choice but to be this way. I have trust to rely on people, only a pattern now stands indicating to me that those I put my faith in have decided to do all the wrong things. Hence, my life gets even harder. I still believe in people, or hopefully, at least one person (please universe-let it be man! I like them!) who I truly can rely on. I am simply conditioned, and more and more so each day it seems, to be extremely guarded. Most people assume all the wrong things and leave me to suffer because I probably come across to them as uninterested, an ass, or some other descriptors I’m not thinking of right now. Unfortunately for me, those things are not the case, but explaining that on an easy to read t-shirt I can wear all day, every day just isn’t realistic.

I’m off to do what needs to be done. Thanks for reading.

Find your song and sing it – peace – mia (I sing for the return)

February 2005

2005-02-18 21:53

..to all the confusion, there is a center. He trembled with joy with every smile he lent her. With all the chaos, comes a small peace. His eyes lit up, as soon as she signed the lease. We rent. It’s bent. I vent?…

 I’m not quite sure if the blog is having technical difficulties, or if it’s just me (a.k.a. user error), but there’s an entry that seems to be invisible to everyone but me. Am I seeing things? It’s been a slow go for the blog and me of late (I blame it on a serious lack of NHL – stupid lockout). I usually have in the back of my mind somewhere that I need to get to this thing, but then life happens and I tell myself I’ll get to it shortly. There’s a part of me that wishes I could say I’ve procrastinated, but in actuality, it’s more like I’ve prioritized. 

Regardless, here I am on the blog again! I spent a couple years not dating, then a couple more dating someone who lived halfway across the country (hey, I had to get my hockey on somehow – stupid lockout). Then, well, I re-discovered a lost love, but that was headed for disaster before it even began because he was married. Immediately following that I got involved with a freshly divorced guitar player who at this point has decided that he doesn’t know what he wants and he just wants to be “friends.” I didn’t complain about that, but wanted to still have sex. He didn’t take me up on that offer. AND YOU MEN BITCH ABOUT WOMEN!! I OFFERED STRICT “FUN” AND I’M A FREAKIN’ HOCKEY FAN WHO COOKS, CLEANS AND MAKES HER OWN MONEY!! Hmmm-I guess my jugs aren’t big enough to be worth bothering with. Plus, I love guitars and own several. Yeah, get it I suck (as a matter of fact…I do)  I remember now why I chose to be single for so a while.

 

My point, though, is basically that I was “with” someone from the age of 13 to the age of, oh, lets say, 26 (not the same person the entire time). It was at that age I realized that many people I knew couldn’t really give a shit about the difficulties in my life and could care even less that I have always been, am and will always be an ice hockey fan. They did care that I was entertaining and fun. I was always “on”, many times simply because that’s what everyone loved. Well, it’s nice to get attention. And its nice to make people laugh and have a good time, but my tendency was, up until that time in my life, to “not notice” the huge toll that (being amusing every waking minute) took on me and how my life was progressing. Coincidentally, that was also the year I found out that I probably had malignant tumors in my cervical lady parts.

 

It became very clear to me that most of the people I knew just didn’t want to deal with me if I couldn’t deliver all the happy, funny, goodness they seemed to need and become reliant upon. At a certain point, I couldn’t deliver as usual after becoming sick to an awful degree I prefer never to repeat in any lifetime. Even one of my closest friends left me alone in my bathroom to die (at least that’s the way it felt to me at the time) when the shit really hit the fan. Not only was I passing kidney stones and suffering from a kidney infection, but I was working and going to college,taking care of my family AND just finding out that my body was all out of sorts due to cancer. There I was, sweating bullets, puking, hallucinating, and aching all over, in my bathroom. There were five people in my living room watching a Tom Cruise movie and while I was screaming for help, they decided I was no fun anymore and they all got ready to leave. That was one of those moments that people talk about and usually describe as a defining moment in one’s life. Something in me heard them putting on their jackets and gather in the hallway to walk out the door. I had little to no strength to even pick my sorry ass up off the floor, let alone walk around, locate a phone and be lucid enough to call 911, but all at once, I was able to assess that my “friends” were about ready to leave me alone to die and that thought infuriated me to such an extent that that same fury gave me enough strength to scream out loud for all to hear, “I fucking need help you mother fucking assholes.” Immediately following that, I got up, ran into the kitchen, grabbed the phone, grabbed my insurance information and looked at all five of those people, all square in the eye and said, “You’re all fucking lucky I wouldn’t do the same to you. Now get the fuck out!” I only speak to two of those people nowadays, and even to this very day, both of them still can’t really fathom that I would have been dead within a few short hours if I had not gotten immediate medical care.

 

I think the reason I’m typing all of this out is because I equate that incident with the beginning of my “single” life. From the age of 26 to about 30, I did not have anything resembling a relationship. Partly because I was fighting cancer while putting myself through school, taking care of my family and all the while, trying not to lose my mind (good thing I had hockey back then – stupid lockout). Partly because I wasn’t going to sacrifice myself, literally, to entertain everyone around me and I needed to “un-socialize” or “de-socialize” in order to train myself to shut-down and re-start (to use technology jargon REBOOT). Mostly though, I wanted to be 100% sure I knew exactly who I was and exactly what I will and will not accept or compromise. I don’t think I know anything “exactly?”, as the majority of humans do not, but I am extremely self-aware and I know what I’m all about. Some of me is amazing. Some of me is boring. Some of me is a genius. Some of me is lazy. Some of me is wise. Some of me is impetuous. I’m complicated, but the basics of me are simple. I hold people to be honest and genuine, because I hold myself to the same standards. However, I recognize that mistakes, poor judgment and a plethora of factors no human can even begin to understand can have an effect on an outcome and humans are prone to err. I am tolerant, intuitive, understand the “watch each other’s back” mentality, am 157.9% an NHL fan (stupid, stupid lockout) and I love music.

 

To end this blog, I’ll bring to light the fact that I’m finished being alone. I know myself, the good, the bad and all the rest of it. I know some things will change, but others will not. I’m in that dating phase that confuses me, yet interests me. I’m happy, yet leery. I’m comfortable, yet suspicious. This dating thing is quite a mixture of emotions and thoughts. I keep getting urges to just go back to my state of “aloneness,” but I know deep down, I’d rather be sharing” if that makes any sense (I miss U R+T). Oh well, I take leaps all the time, so off the dating” cliff I have gone. If I smack a few trees or overhangs on the way down, I guess I’ll just cover my head and hope for the best. I might even crash to the Earth in a lump of painful flesh and find myself alone anyway, but I suppose I won’t know for sure until it actually happens ? eh? (I’d love to have NHL hockey to keep me a little more steady, but no – stupid lockout – I hope it’s worth it.)

Have a musically extravagant weekend and feel ‘up the first guitar you can find – peace – mia

PS:  YES, I AM SUFFERING FROM SEVERE “LOSS OF HOCKEY” DEPRESSION. I’m guessing I will need some recovery time for that, before the whole “dating” thing starts to look more promising. I can almost hear my fellow hockey fans cries in my sleep! It deafens me nightly. aarrrgh

OCTOBER 2005 

Fri, 14 Oct 2005

When angels cry in the soft blue sky, so do dolphins in the cool teal seas. Take away my eyes; but still the dark I see, just out of reach beyond the trees…

I’ve been away for several months and have decided to let several years worth of former web journaling go – just like that. For me, it’s pretty simple. Nothing is truly mine, but yet it all seems to have been as the time has passed. So slowly it passes still. I like to create little blurbs of prose, as it were, to preface each blog, so anyone interested (or bored) enough to hang out and read this on a regular basis will become familiar with ( …spontaneous prose, blah, blah, blah …).

I attempted a blog elsewhere, but felt as though it was not really “my space”, so I moved on back here, where I feel warm and comfortable. There is some wisdom in thinking that the moment one becomes warm and comfortable, is the minute something drastic will change, or, on a different level, your soul begins to fade. Without meaning any morbid sentiment, I do spend time wondering if it were possible for my soul to fade and why, in fact, it has not. It should have by now. A long, long, time ago.

Is it that hard to see, the fate that befell me?

The Rolling Pythons or is it the Monty Stones?
Tue, 18 Oct 2005

…ice bound and there’s no red line to stop the pass – this makes any future winter, truly kick-ass…

Since last I blogged, my father died, my cousin and fiance have been killed in automobile accidents. Now I need to find another job. Even way up here in Maryland, the effects of little old Hurricane Katrina can be felt. While, in the end the work will come, it isn’t here now and our largest client (and supplier of money) has had to relocate to Mississippi. I don’t really foresee the loss of my job, but I can’t afford to sit around and wait to find out. One of my least favorite things to do is interview, yet, the more I do it, the more I understand about the psyche of the common interviewer. It’s the uncommon interviewer I would like to find. That would be a nice surprise.

My thoughts these days tend to be less scattered than in previous times. Some days I think it’s okay, yet, some days I think things should be different. It’s too hard for me to judge on my own, and no one with the appropriate sage wisdom has wandered by me shedding words of great enlightenment, so what else is there to do but come to terms with what is happening at any given second. I find this tactic the most useful. I can’t say I’m 100% successful at all times, but I do my best, mostly to avoid sheer insanity.

I don’t want surprises any more. I don’t want drama any more. I don’t want people swearing they saw me thousands of miles away from where I actually was. Of course, The Rolling Stones know better, don’t they? “You can’t always get what you want, you get what you need.” And of course, Monty Python can follow up with “You make me sad – So be it!” (If I have to point out that this is Arthur, King of the Britains from “Search for the Holy Grail”, you will find reading my blog, well, interesting at best).

Hockey-Music-Money
Fri, 28 Oct 2005

…a way off laugh echoing in the distance and all your hope for me is barely a pittance. A dragonfly, and you ask him why? It’s always permanent after the ink is dry. I show mine off, not wary of the code. All those social rules, seem like such a load…

After having no hockey season last year, I thought I might just go outright crazy, but I limped through the months concentrating on the Philadelphia Phantoms (AHL) and am now standing strong, yet once again, as a full-on NHL fan. I’m still absorbing the new rules and the only thing really left of the Washington Crapitals (er, I mean Capitals) is Olie Kolzig. Of course, I should include Jeff Halpern as a veteran Crapital (um, oh drat, I mean Capital). My team is in a fairly sad state of affairs, but I’m one of those loyal fans that may rib the “Capitals ” a bit, but still, I watch every game. I don’t expect to have all the new names right until a few more games go by this season, but I’ll get there. There’s always Olie. He’s my favorite goalie. I play goalie as well, so “goalie” watching is something I do. I do at as though it were my full-time paying job actually.  There are better net minders out there – more memorable as well, but Olie has to back-up the “Crapitals”, so all-in-all, he’s a freakin’ puck-stopping miracle. He’s (mostly)calm. He’s (95%) steady. He’s Olie the Goalie. Good old ‘Zilla is tried and true.

I’ve recently sold all sorts of musical and recording equipment, in the hopes of replacing everything with more state-of-the art goodies. I can negotiate fairly well, but there’s this digital one piano that I just can’t unload to save my life. I’ve reduced the price. I’ve contacted every single person for which I still have current contact information who might have some slight interest in the blasted thing. It won’t be too long before I will have to PAY someone to come and take the thing away. It works great and I keep all my instruments and equipment in excellent condition, it’s just digital will simply never replace strings no matter what. While I’m not an advocate of casting aspersions about musical instruments in any way, I will admit that Technics is hands-down the poorest maker of digital equipment. My digital piano must have been programmed by someone who decided to sample sounds coming out of his/her ass with wax paper covering it, because those of us with good ears can HEAR the crap coming out of this piano with hardly any effort at all. Yes, I’m being negative – WHY? – because I don’t want any single person who can HEAR music fairly well to ever purchase a Technics product It would simply be too painful for the ears to bear. However, for a beginner or your everyday non-serious learner of piano or digital equipment, it’s just perfect. It fits in a very small space. It has a full keyboard. It gives a learner a good start.

I was looking for a new job, and may still start AGAIN somewhere else, but I have managed to bring some much needed work into my current company. This means money. Money is necessary. Yes, it sucks – but it’s true. The US economy stinks. Perhaps there are some who believe the economy is fine. Those people don’t live in the real world. They don’t have to mortgage houses in the US. They don’t have to purchase gas at the pumps for themselves. They probably don’t even carry cash in their pockets. Inflation is a serious problem. Since the year 2000, I have increased my annual salary by at least 10K a year and yet, my gains are not increasing. Even with less spending, than I was previously and much better control over savings, investments and the like, there is no headway. This could only mean that EVERYTHING costs A LOT more. Will I blame Bush. No. But I will say that someone needs to get a hold of things – and soon. We’ll see what happens without Greenspan.